Thursday, December 11, 2014

Owning your story

I have been reading "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown, who has become such an inspiration and mentor through her stories and research. At the same time I am seeing a therapist who is helping me overcome some unresolved grief with living a co-dependent life. You see I grew up the daughter of alcoholics and prescription pill abuse. And I then married an addict. I have been a co-dependent for what seems my whole life. I broke the cycle many years ago, and since then have been cultivating my own life, my own story and my fierce love of vulnerability.

I have been scared for many years to own this story. To own who I am, and the life that I lived. Fear has led me for decades, and I am now digging in to the deepest parts of that story with my therapist. I am learning to not be a victim in life, but to be a creator of my own life. The struggles are challenging, and the inner roommate in my head doing her best to keep hold of the fear and the insecurity is sometimes loud and clear. But, the beauty through all of this, is owning my own story. My own mistakes in life, my own bad choices. I am beginning to embrace the imperfections of me, and loving them.

I have made some really bad choices, and for so long I hated myself for being imperfect. I am filled with shame triggers, and with fear that someone might actually find out that I am not perfect. As my therapist so eloquently and vehemently says "SO WHAT?" What if everyone found out, what if it was on the front page of the local paper, "SO WHAT?" I am imperfect, I have made mistakes, I have done things that I probably shouldn't have done....but you know what? I have also sought help, I have learned to love with my whole heart, I have learned to open myself up regardless of past hurts and be loved, I have lived joyously and painfully at times, but it has been worth every moment. I am doing my work both in therapy and in asking myself some hard questions and it has been incredible. I am meeting people who are the same as me, and we are going through things together. I have had people reach out to me when I needed strength, and I have reached out to people who need strength. It has been a beautiful journey, and through vulnerability I have found joy. If you have not read Brene Brown, well I highly suggest it to say the least. I am imperfect. I have made dumb choices. I am me, imperfectly and beautifully. I am learning to love me, which in turn helps me love others on a deeper level. Own your story, be brave. Namaste :)

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