I feel as if right now I am getting the chance to learn some lessons in life. Seems as if this is an ongoing process, and sometimes there seems to be more lessons than other times. My mission in life is to simply enjoy everything that life has to offer. I lived so long in survival mode, and I lived most of my life as a co-dependent. I always made sure there was an addict in my life so that there was always someone else to save and to fix. What I was really avoiding all along was dealing with myself. When you are in a relationship with an addict, you get to focus all of your attention on them, and you control the situation. At least that is what you feel like, that you are in control because you know what to expect, and you always have to be the strong person for them.
For the last 5 years I have been free of living with any addicts in my life and I have been able to start dealing with my own issues, insecurities and building the life I want. I wanted a healthy and peaceful life filled with love and joy. And it took a ton of self work, and lots of therapy and meditation, but I did it. I created it. The funny thing is all these years later, I am still working on some of the same things. I am beginning to understand that you will deal with life lessons until you have truly learned from them. And that means something different for everyone. I see when I stop reacting to things, the lessons start minimizing their time in my life.
The difficult part sometimes is being kind to yourself and looking outside of the mess in your mind. As a species we are really great at saying we are going to change, but deep down the worry is still there. It is like the underlying darkness in an otherwise light filled and beautiful world. It feels as if this moment in my life is about standing up for myself, and relying on myself as my strength. It is scary for me, and yet it is liberating. I have been on this journey with myself and I feel like the time has come to break free from the underlying darkness. And I have to bring my fears out of the shadows, and let them free. It is time to get rid of the chaos in my mind, the dichotomy of my old self vs. new self, because in reality it is not separated, I have simply changed and evolved. And through all of this there is this feeling of peace and joy inside that I am starting to truly love who I am, and that my imperfection is the perfection of my life. Namaste :)